I'm Sorry
by AndSoWeBeatOn
Summary: Early in their sixth year, there's something Lily wants to say to James Potter.


Lily Evans approached James Potter, on September 25, 1976. It was nearing dusk, and the lake was completely isolated – it was a Hogsmeade weekend, at that – and everyone was busying themselves with _something_ and it was rare enough that James Potter of all people was actually _alone_, with his toes in the water and his head dipped back to catch the last of the sun. His fingers kneaded the grass beside him, his shoes and socks some meters away.

'Careful of the giant squid,' Lily said.

It was so silent, Lily hadn't probably judged the sound of her voice before she would speak – and it was so hideously loud and sharp, when it was supposed to be funny, and James whipped his head up in surprise when he heard her voice, and looked positively shocked.

'Sorry,' she added, this time a few decibels lower.

He shook his head emphatically. 'Nothing to be sorry about.'

'Can I sit here?'

James tilted his head and looked up at her. 'What are you doing, Evans?'

'I just wanted to talk.' Lily sat down beside him, making sure that she kept a respectable distance between themselves. 'I just wanted to say – fuck.' She pulled up a tuft of grass, and threw it into the lake. 'I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for being a prat, and I'm sorry for the way I've been acting – no, scratch that – I'm sorry for being such a pompous arse. I'm really no better than you are, and I should stop pretending that I am, when I'm really much worse. So. I'm sorry.'

She pulled up another knot of grass and dirt, and kept her eyes fixed on the horizon and kept talking.

'I mean – I'm not your mother and I don't know why your pranks get me so worked up. They're actually sort of funny-' she cut her eyes back to James, to gauge his reaction – 'until they become hurtful.'

James was watching the darkening sky, one hand resting in his hair, the other sitting on his knee with his fingers splayed.

'This is long overdue,' Lily continued, 'and I didn't want to talk about Severus – but I'm sorry.'

She tried to keep her eyes focused away from James – but she felt him roll on his side and face her. Merlin, his gaze was so intense and she wasn't even looking in his direction.

'I know you have this cemented opinion of me – and that opinion was well-founded, on the grounds that I was an arrogant git and an idiot – and I know I'm probably your least favourite person. And I'm – I should be the one apologising, and Merlin – I tried – I mean, apologising to everyone except you. I even tried to talk to Snape – needless to say, that didn't go down well.'

'I-'

'No, Evans – it's fine. I don't deserve an apology – you were right. You always are. But I've changed. That's that.'

He got to his feet, brushed off his jeans, gave her a small smile, and walked back to the castle.

Lily could feel her stomach rise to her throat – Agrippa, it wasn't supposed to be so hard to talk! – and, clambering to her feet, called out – 'Wait! Potter! James!'

And he turned around, a comical expression on his face.

'All right, Evans?' he said, his voice infused with total confusion.

Breathe, Lily, breathe. 'Could-' she took an uncertain, wobbly step closer – 'could we be-' and then her feet gave way beneath her, and she was about to hit the grass in an unceremonious fashion, when she felt warm arms around her, softening her fall, and she burst into ugly tears, and tried to stifle them, and there was a comforting hand on her back, and she sobbed into James Potter's shirt, stuttering.

'Can we be friends? Can we? I know that you positively hate me, but –' hiccup '- I don't hate you, not at all, and I'm selfish and I –' hiccup '-want you to like me, so I'll do anything-' hiccup '-just, can we be mates? I will never be a pompous-' hiccup '-self-righteous-' hiccup '-arse ever again, I swear.'

Lily felt a deep rumble emitting from James' chest, and she looked up through a foggy veil of tears to see James smiling.

'Of course, Lily. Of course.'

She pressed her face further into James' shirt – Merlin, it was so comforting – and felt his arms envelop her, and she felt safe and _home_. 'I – that's good.'

'I think you need some sleep, Lily.'

'I like it when you say my name,' she said into James' shirt. 'I like it when you talk to me.'

He laughed again, and Lily loved the sound. Deep and uninhibited and strong.

'I'm sorry about – all of this,' she said, waving a flimsy hand. 'I – I've been so worried. Anxious. I can't sleep at night. I'm probably going crazy.'

'No, you're not.'

'No, I'm not,' she agreed. 'But I'm wetting your shirt and keeping you from important things and being selfish. And all I meant to say was sorry.'

'Let's get you up to the common room,' was all he said, as he took her arms and gently lifted her up. 'We have all the time in the world to talk. I think you need some sleep.'


End file.
